Reminiscing

Feeling very nostalgic today.  Currently listening to the You're A Good Man Charlie Brown soundtrack and remembering the amazing time I had portraying Sally Brown.  Sometimes I miss high school more than I thought I would.  I remember feeling absolutely and completely comfortable in the chorus room, and in the auditorium.  It was crazy...I had so, so, so many good times in that auditorium.  The Secret Garden, Anything Goes, Grease, 42nd Street, You're A Good Man Charlie Brown, Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat, and The Case of the Smuggling Ship.  Seven amazing shows, and four amazing leading roles.  I was so fortunate.  Currently I remember having an amazing time being about 4 years old and pretending I knew everything about philosophies.  

In high school I felt on top of the world.  I was smart, teachers loved me, I had amazing friends and an amazing voice.  The music department was my life.  I loved every minute of it, even those minutes that weren't great.  Sometimes I wish I could go back and relive a day, or a week even.  Sometimes I wish I had appreciated it more while I was at that place in my life.  

Well, that's all for now.

In my eyes are Valentines

And Easter eggs

And New Years wine,

But when my heart finds Christmas,

My eyes will shine like new.

All the days are kind to me,

And fall too far behind to see,

And when my heart finds Christmas,

I hope it finds you too.

Oh will you just shut up already?

I am SO sick of girls talking about how they eat WAY too much and how all the food here sucks.  News flash.  IT DOESN'T. YOU'RE JUST A SNOBBY VEGETARIAN.  "I had a some pineapple and a banana and a piece of bread and a cookie...and I just ate WAY too much! Ugh!" .........really? First of all, there is virtually NO protein in that.  Second, pineapple, bananas and bread are NOT bad for you.  And also NOT a meal.  And you know what? Cookies aren't that bad either.  As long as you don't eat the whole package, it's fine.  Just shut up. SHUT UP. I'm tired of listening to you complain all the time.

You know what, while you're at it, can you stop taking everything I say and turning it into something that you don't like, something that your sister likes more than you (yeah, that's demoralizing), or looking to your "best friend" before saying "Yeah, I don't really like ______, it's not really my thing." which CLEARLY means "Wow, you like that? You're cool...not."  Oh and the whole calling each other "best friends" 17 times throughout the course of the night tends to make the others with you *ahem* your OTHER roommate *ahem* a little uncomfortable, and hurts her feelings.  Just saying. Rant over.

I'm starting to get a bit overwhelmed with life.  I'm torn between being stuck in school and in the working world, and it's weird. And I'm not doing as well in my English classes as I hoped to, and I don't know why.  Maybe it's because I'm not putting in enough effort? But the problem is, I didn't used to have to, so now that apparently I do, it's annoying :/

Well, I've got to go to sleep. I'll talk to you soon, dear Void.

Oh, and sorry this was such a pessimistic post.  I'm just in that frame of mind tonight, despite having a great networking event tonight.

Just give it time
It's gonna get better
Now is not forever at all
Just give it time
Everything changes
Tomorrow comes today will be gone
Everything's gonna be fine
Just give it time, give it time

What a crazy week.  Literally crazy.  I was so busy.  So much happened...where do I even start? 


Well, maybe I should start with the observation that the lives of many people I know seem to be struggling, even crumbling down around them, while mine seems to be on an upward path.  It's awkward to talk about with these people...I don't always know what to say because I don't want to sound like I'm gloating or being arrogant.  I've been doing the best I can to give advice when asked and listen when someone needs to talk, but it's also getting a bit exhausting.  I don't know what to do.  


In other news (although with my track record, does it really count as news?), Sicilia's Pizza Boy is not a winner.  I haven't heard from him since the last message I sent, which was definitely mid week.  Why do I even get my hopes up anymore?  Wait, let's go further.  Why are almost all movies, songs and stories about love?  Don't directors, songwriters and authors ever realize that there are people out there who have had enough of these idealized situations? They probably do, and don't care, because love sells.  I'm just sick of it.  It's getting to the point where it physically hurts when things don't work out.  I try so hard, and get trampled in return, and then I feel embarrassed for even thinking that someone would like me back...I mean it's never happened.  Sure people have liked me, but it's never gone anywhere.  I suppose that's my fault too.  


I think I could be satisfied alone...following my dreams.  I might get kind of lonely, but I could just keep traveling and meeting more new people.  I love making new friends from all walks of life, so I could get to the point where I have a lot of friends and don't feel lonely right? I have to believe it's possible.  I even wish I was like Jane Austen.  She never married, and it's only suspected that she was in love once, but she at least wrote her characters the ending that she wished for herself and never got.  At the moment, at least, I'm not even that optimistic. Isn't that sad? I know, I know, I'm just whining.  You probably think I'm pretty annoying by now, but honestly, I'm past the point of caring.  This is my thought-keeper, and I'm going to write what I want.  I spend way too much time caring what other people are going to think about what I write, what I look like, what I wear, what I say...and I'm tired of it.  So this is the one place where I don't care.  I'm going to say what I like, and you can't stop me, and nothing you say will make me feel bad.  


Maybe I have to get to be like Belle...you know from Beauty and the Beast.  "I want adventure in the great wide somewhere...I want it more than I can tell.  And for once it might be grand, to have someone understand...I want so much more than they've got planned."  In a sense I am like her.  I know people don't really believe I'll be really successful at Disney, even if they don't come out and say it.  Sure, it's a long shot.  But I've got dreams, and I know that I'll make it.  It's where I belong, at least that's what I feel right now.  Despite the fact that it's in a place where only one season prevails, and I will miss the fall and winter, and it's far away from my family...it's the one place in the world where I felt so happy.  I was making magic for people, and so many people I worked with got it.  What's it? Well, it is...it.  You either get it or you don't.  And it's not something I can describe.  I guess the best I can do is say you know when you're really passionate about the way something should be done, or a life philosophy or something, and no one really gets your point of view, and then you meet someone who says what you're thinking before you can say it yourself? That's it.  They get it.  It is sort of like a Japanese character...there are some that can't be translated into English.  That's it.  


Alright, dear Void.  I need to talk to one of my best friends, who, coincidentally, has guys throwing themselves at her.  Awesome.


Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy
Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry
Sunshine on the water looks so lovely
Sunshine almost always makes me high

If I had a day that I could give you
I’d give to you a day just like today
If I had a song that I could sing for you
I’d sing a song to make you feel this way

Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy
Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry
Sunshine on the water looks so lovely
Sunshine almost always makes me high

If I had a tale that I could tell you
I’d tell a tale sure to make you smile
If I had a wish that I could wish for you
I’d make a wish for sunshine all the while

Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy
Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry
Sunshine on the water looks so lovely
Sunshine almost always makes me high
Sunshine almost all the time makes me high
Sunshine almost always

Jane Eyre

Well, the title sums it up.  I'm supposed to be writing a paper on Jane Eyre right now discussing whether the conflicts raised in the novel are resolved at the end of the novel...basically discussing resolution at the end of the novel.  It's due tomorrow, and - me being me - I haven't started it yet.  Why?  That's a really great question.  The million dollar one, actually.  It doesn't make sense.  I'm an English minor.  Shouldn't I want to write papers? Technically.  I liked Jane Eyre.  Actually, I love the book.  I think it's fabulous.  It's more of an easy read than Austen's works, which is a fact I've been pondering for days.  But let's talk about Jane Eyre and resolution, shall we? Maybe I'll be able to kill two birds with one stone...

So, have you read Jane Eyre, dear Void?  My guess is no, so let's recap.  Basically, it is an autobiography of one Jane Eyre, a governess who lived in Victorian England.  The novel documents Jane's life from her childhood at age 10 until after her marriage at the end of the novel.  Ahhhh, marriage, yes, you've touched on a truly vitally important theme in Jane Eyre.  When I say marriage, it does sound like resolution, doesn't it? Happily ever after? Well, that's what I'd like to think, and I think that's what Charlotte Bronte (the real author of Jane Eyre...after all Jane is fictional) would have really desired for Jane, but is that what Jane really gets at the end? Throughout the novel two major themes present themself through Jane's recollection: the desire to be loved, and the fear of losing autonomy and individuality.  They're intense subjects.  I, myself, struggle with the two on a daily basis...even more frequently than that.  All Jane has ever wanted, as she admits to Helen Burns while at Lowood is to be loved and truly appreciated by another person, for she has never experienced it for herself.  Jane grew up in a household filled with love and doting, that which was bestowed upon her cousins, and not on her.  The attention Jane received was sparse, and the nature was abusive, physically, psychologically and emotionally.  Presumably, Jane's longing to be loved comes from the fact that she received nothing of the sort as a child, but then again, the neglect and abuse also helped her discover that she wants anything but to be controlled or contained.  Jane is a very strong minded woman living in the Victorian period, a trait not possessed by many women living then.  Her life circumstance brings her to work at Thornfield Hall, where she meets one Mr. Rochester, a passionate older gentleman who is her master.  One doesn't need to read the novel to know that Jane and Mr. Rochester do fall in love, but it is interesting that Jane does leave him on the day of their wedding.  Oh, Bertha Rochester, what an interesting character you are. Why are you in the novel? Are you simply a plot enhancement to make for a more exciting and mysterious storyline, or are there deeper motivations? I've heard many interpretations.  Bertha can be a symbol; a symbol for Jane's alter ego, a symbol of what women become when they are caged, a symbol of the social view of the Creole race.

But I think I have digressed.  Fast forward to the end of the novel.  If you haven't read Jane Eyre, and plan to, don't read on.  So I think I can safely say that the end of the novel begins when Jane leaves Moorhead and returns to Thornfield.  She has just inherited and dispersed evenly among her newly recognized cousins her fortune of 20,000 pounds which places her on a much more equal footing with  Mr. Rochester.  Upon returning to Thornfield, she finds it in ruins after a large fire.  She is told by Mrs. Fairfax that Mr. Rochester now lives deep within the woods, and that he hastened to get everyone out of Thornfield before himself, but in the process lost his left hand and has been blinded.  Jane is also informed about the cause of the fire being Bertha, and that despite attempts to save her, she committed suicide by jumping off the roof.  Jane ventures into the woods to find Mr. Rochester and, upon finding him, pretends to be a servant before revealing her true identity.

DONE!

Now, I know you don't know this, but I just spend the past 2 hours writing the actual paper instead of mashed up thoughts on in this thought-keeper.  Aren't you lucky? You only had to endure just so much of my literary ramblings.

Just a quick update on the love field...still no word from potential Sicilia's Boy.  I DO know that he is planning on staying in Boston this weekend...so I have hope.

One last thing...just heard the commuter rail horn.  Pretending it's the Polar Express. "Ticket please."

Children sleeping
Snow is softly falling.
Dreams are calling
Like bells in the distance.

We were
Dreamers
Not so long ago...
But one by one we
All had to grow up.

When it seems the magic's slipped away...
We find it all again on Christmas Day.

Believe in what your heart is saying
Hear the melody that's playing
There's no time to waste,
There's so much to celebrate.

Believe in what you feel inside,
And give your dreams the wings to fly,
You have everything you need
If you just believe.

You've Got Mail

Believe it or not, one of my all time favorite movies is on right now.  Coincidentally, it's also part of the reason why I write this thought-keeper.  I like writing for the sake of writing...despite the fact that I don't have anyone to write to, like they do in the movie.  Hopefully I will one day.

So, new developments in the ever changing world of love...after feeling more sad than anticipated over the thought that Guy from Sicilia's forgot about me, I spoke with a good friend over the matter.  She encouraged me to send him a private message, just one last time, because I have nothing to lose.  And she's right.  So I did, and he responded within the hour.  He was planning to go away, but I reminded him that it was a three day weekend in my original message and he said he may stay because of that...but honestly that didn't make a lot of sense to me...if it was a long weekend, wouldn't you want to go home more because you have more time to spend there?  Confusing...but guys generally are.  It was then the debate over what to respond back.

Now I also decided to confide in two other friends, guy and a girl, both single (the good friend who gave me advice before has been well versed in relationships and is in a longterm, long distance relationship right now).  So, I told them the whole story. They gave me advice about a response as well.  I decided on something short and sweet, but still managed to give my number.  We'll see how it goes...I'm not getting my hopes up...I'm trying to just be neutral, which is almost impossible.

Something else has caught my attention as well, or I should say, someone else: the guy friend I mentioned earlier.  We walked home together and spent the vast majority of the time talking about relationships, and being, quite frankly, totally honest with each other, which is something new for me.  I don't generally like to broadcast how inexperienced I am.  It was refreshing to talk with a guy about relationships and not feel anything but friendship for them.

Well, I really must stop procrastinating, dear Void.

The Power of a Lie

I always get ahead of myself.  I don't think it's a bad thing...I think I just want it so much that I can't help myself.  I thought I was doing so well...


So you're probably wondering what I'm talking about.  Well, three guesses, it's part of the three rules stated previously about myself.  No, not about Disney.  Nope, not college either (but I suppose that is a factor just because, well, it's hard to separate college from anything while you're in it).  Yes, you guessed it (finally, good job.): love.  


I've been talking to a guy on facebook (juvenile, I know).  We met once, and I decided after that meeting that he was definitely a good, fun loving, attractive guy that I would like to get to know.  However, I fell subject to the patterns of immature female and made some bad choices.  I thought, though, that I had salvaged what I had sabotaged so far, but alas, I think not.  The biggest mistake was made exactly one week ago.  I went out with a few girlfriends to an a cappella party, which ended up being pretty fun until it was busted up by the cops, but not before all of them had quite a lot to drink.  It also happened to be one of their birthday's, so needless to say there was a lot of alcohol.  I didn't drink a lot at all.  I was not drunk, not even buzzed.  After the party was busted up, we decided to go to a pizzeria which was open until 2am just to hang out for a while.  I'd actually never been to this pizzeria, but it's quite nice because it was just renovated.  Anyways, that's beside the point.  We walk in, there's not a lot of people there at all (well it was about 1 in the morning), so we select a booth and are being quite loud and frankly annoying.  I won't deny that I was enjoying myself.  It was fun to just hang out, even if I wasn't drunk.  A couple of the girls went to get pizza or to use the restroom, leaving just me and my roommate there for a minute.  I gazed out over the rest of the restaurant just on a whim and there he was sitting across the room, drinking some coffee and reading.  It was the guy.  Well, I wigged out.  I turned to my roommate (who had also met him under the same circumstance and at the same time I had) and she read my mind, and began wigging out too.  Immediately, I wanted to go over and say hello, but she protested adamantly, claiming she was too drunk and it would make her look bad.  At this point, I should have not given a flying fuck what impression she would give, because ultimately, only one of us would "get him" in the end, and after all, you've always got to be on your game.  Plus, what we did next was just awful, and really, really creepy.  We didn't go over, or I should say, I didn't go over and say anything to him.  We just giggled and watched him all night.  The worst part was, he was watching us too.  And it didn't help that at about quarter to two the owners of the pizzeria brought over a HUGE slice of cheesecake for the birthday girl and we made a HUGE scene.  What are we, in high school? I feel like such an ass.  And I can't even do anything about it.  There's absolutely nothing I can do to change that night, and I hate it.  I regret it.  And I don't regret a lot.  


So fast forward to Thursday.  I finally pluck up the courage to friend him on facebook, with a disclaimer message attached.  This is where I start becoming, apparently, delusional.  He accepted my friend request, and immediately wrote on my wall.  He had thought that he saw me and my friend at the pizzeria last Saturday night and wondered if he was right.  I feel awful...AWFUL...about what ensues next.  I consult many different sources to determine what to say in response.  I wanted to tell him the truth...isn't that always the recommended course of action?...but ended up telling a downright lie.  I felt a bit better as we began talking a little, but then the responses became less insightful to the point where it's been almost a day and he hasn't responded, and he's been on facebook.  


So, once again, I screwed up, probably beyond repair.  I don't even know what I would do to fix this stupid, ridiculous, rude and downright immature situation.  I feel so horrible.  I don't know if I feel more horrible about the way I acted or about the fact that I probably screwed something up that could have actually been something real, instead of stupid catty relationships.  Okay, alright, so the relationships with my girlfriends aren't catty, we're pretty close, but they have a lot of growing up to do still, and I'm still vulnerable to peer pressure...I'm better at representing my own ideas, but not as strong as I want to be.  


So, dear Void, what should I do? Should I let this situation just pass, thinking of it bittersweetly as a possibility that could have been something? Should I tell him what an ass I've been? If I do tell him, will it scare him off?  I can see that happening...I've done similar things in the past and had bad results, but I hate lying.  I just hate it.  I feel...dirty.  Or something.  Lying is more detrimental to the liar than to the person being lied to, especially in circumstances such as this.


For now, I suppose, I'll just have to hope.  I don't know what I wait for...I should just make a decision...or maybe this is my decision...taking the first option and smiling when the bitter taste hits my taste buds.  






Where has that old friend gone
Lost in a February song
Tell him it won't be long
Till he opens his eyes, opens his eyes

Where is that simple day
Before colors broke into shades
And how did I ever fade
Into this life, into this life

And I never want to let you down
Forgive me if I slip away
When all that I've known is lost and found
I promise you I, I'll come back to you one day....

Morning is waking up
And sometimes it's more than just enough
When all that you need to love
Is in front of your eyes,
It's in front of your eyes.

And I never want to let you down
Forgive me if I slip away
Sometimes it's hard to find my ground
Cause I keep on falling , as I try to get away 
from this crazy world.


And I never want to let you down
Forgive me if I slip away
When all that I've known is lost and found
I promise you I, I'll come back to you one day

Where has that old friend gone
Lost in a February song
Tell him it won't be long
Till he opens his eyes, opens his eyes.

My, my how time flies.

Almost a year has passed since my last post.  The time really does fly when I think about the past year.  I remember sitting in my room typing my last post.  I remember feeling so confused.  Even as I read back through the 5 posts before this, I feel what I had been feeling while writing them.  It's hard.  It's like reading an old diary.  It is reading an old diary.  No matter, though.  Keep moving forward.


I am successfully a junior this year.  Where has the time gone? I don't understand it.  In the past year I spent seven months in Central Florida working for the Happiest Place on Earth.  It was the best experience of my life.  I am still employed with the company, but remotely.  I miss it.  I miss the warmth, the happy feeling, the joyful music, and the wonderful friends.  I know I'll return to it one day.  One day, I will.  


I love the new background to this online thought-keeper.  It reminds me of some old fashioned country home in the English countryside...but that could be because I spent the majority of today paging through B&B's in England.  I plan to study abroad in London next semester.  I'm guessing if this thought-keeper doesn't become a ritual this semester that it definitely will in the next.  


London will be "so diverting" to quote one of my favorite films.  This semester is crippled by an overloaded class schedule and many extra curricular activities, whereas the semester in London will comprise of only two classes at a time.  I can't wait to get there.  I can't wait to explore and travel.  I want adventure in the great wide somewhere.  I want it more than I can tell.  I'm scared, or apprehensive, but ready to face those fears.  The culture is so much different in Europe.  I feel like it may be more to my liking than here.  For once, I hope, I won't be dependent on the latest technology.  


I have two major goals for my study abroad experience.  I want to travel as far and wide as I possibly can, and I want to learn how to take incredible photographs of all of the amazing places I visit.  Not pictures, photographs.  A picture is snapped to remember the scene, a photograph is the result of thought and planning, taken to remember more than a landscape, but a feeling.


Before I run away with my hopes and dreams, I need to finish this semester.  So, for now, I leave with a smile on my face and a song in my heart...a song I will share with you, dear Void.  




Lost and alone on some forgotten highway
Traveled by many, remembered by few
Lookin’ for something that I can believe in
Lookin’ for something that I’d like to do with my life

There’s nothin’ behind me and nothin’ that ties me
To somethin’ that might have been true yesterday
Tomorrow is open; right now it seems to be more
Than enough to just be here today

And I don’t know what the future is holdin’ in store
I don’t know where I’m goin’, I’m not sure where I’ve been
There’s a spirit that guides me, a light that shines for me
My life is worth the livin’, I don’t need to see the end

Sweet, sweet surrender
Live, live without care
Like a fish in the water
Like a bird in the air

Sweet, sweet surrender
Live, live without care
Like a fish in the water
Like a bird in the air