Notes on Love

So, it's been a while.  Sorry.  I had midterms and papers...come to think of it, I still have a paper to write that's due tomorrow night at midnight. Oops.  I know it will get done though.  So I'm not worried.  I'm very rarely worried about getting things done on time.  I've never really had a problem with it.  But, at the same time, that's a weakness as much as it is a strength.  Overconfidence can be misleading.

So here's my secret for the moment.  All I want to do, all I can think about recently, is how much I want to go on a date.  It's been so long...what if I've forgotten how?  Why am I apparently inept at attracting the opposite sex? Am I that repulsive?  I don't understand.  Just one date. One to reaffirm my belief that I will not grow up to be an old maid.  Please.

Is it possible to love too easily?  Should love have to be earned?  It's a tough question.  I know there are many topics in pop culture that address the issue, but nothing actually solves it.  Perhaps it's a personal decision.  My whole life I've loved without explanation, without reservation, almost everyone I've been acquainted with.  It's a startling fact to realize.  How could I hold so much love in my heart to give to everyone?  Is this the reason why I can't seem to find the one person I should give my whole heart to?  Because I've already given it away to everyone else?  If that is the case, is it considered selfish to want my heart back?  Or is it possible to somehow love all, and still give my heart to the One?  I hope that's the case, because the existence of one without the other would break my heart...and then no one is loved.

She's in Love with the Boy

The other day I downloaded a bunch of 90's country music, the music I grew up with. It's incredible how many songs I knew all the words to as I was previewing them on iTunes before buying them. Just from listening to the radio all the time when I was a kid...and the funny part is, I wouldn't know the name of the song or who wrote it (and sometimes I wouldn't even know the correct lyrics). I'm listening to the playlist right now, and I have to say, it's making me very happy and nostalgic. At the same time, I feel like I know these songs on a deeper level than songs of today's generation. They strike a cord in me; a chordal connection. Unfortunately, they remind me of my present unlucky-love situation.

So, of course, there's a guy. There's always a guy. This is the guy that makes your life awesome and hell at the same time. This is the guy that is cute, funny, flirtatious and your best friend. (Side note - I really don't want to write this. I'm making myself do it to try and convince myself that...well, you'll see.) Unfortunately, you're also his best friend. That's it.

Okay wait. A little background history of my "love" life. I grew up an only child, and without many cousins my age, so at a very early age I learned to communicate comfortably with adults. I went through that phase when boys had cooties, but after the cooties phase, I found it difficult to actually be friends with these cretins that I had once despised for their loud, raucous, and rude behavior. I got along much better with girls, and when I moved from elementary school to middle school, it was like I gravitated toward girls who were exactly like myself. It was a group of 4 of us who became extremely close through middle and high school. We did everything together. In middle school, I'm pretty sure our lunch table was nicknamed the "Lesbian Table". It was hurtful, but instead of branching out and making good friend with other people outside of the 4 of us, we became more introverted. Each of us inhibited the others from breaking out of the circle, and, I believe, made it uncomfortable to even think about having a boyfriend. There was so much judgment to pass, and none of us was prepared to brave it, so we didn't.

Now, don't get me wrong, we did develop some friendships with guys as we progressed through high school, but to give you a sense, I never had one of my guy friends over to hang out at my house, and neither did they. I hated it, but I didn't know how to get out of it. I felt like I was trapped in a loop. Of course, I did try to break out; I went on a few dates with random guys, but I never liked them, and it always ended up more awkward than anything else. I even consented to a "relationship" for a week and a half. But during that week and a half, we avoided each other and didn't talk. It was awful. I dreaded seeing him in the hall, in class, anywhere. I dreaded what people were thinking, saying, and laughing about. I was embarrassed! How bad is that? It should never be like that when you like someone. Ever.

So, coming to college, I was so relieved that I didn't have to be near my "group" of friends anymore. I went head first into new friendships and new crushes. Enter: the Guy. I first met Brad on my first day of class in my school within the university, so right off the bat I was really excited for the class because it directly pertains to my major. In walks Brad, one of his friends Jesse, and his other friend Katie. Almost immediately I wanted to be friends with all three of them. They were happy, outgoing, and commanded the attention of the whole room just by walking in. My interest piqued when Brad introduced himself to the class during introductions and said that he loved Disney. I thought it couldn't be real. But, it was, and is. Through the year I became friends with all three of them, but closer friends with Brad and Jesse than with Katie. By the end of the first semester, they were my closest guy friends, and I had a huge, festering, and frankly quite embarrassingly large crush on Brad. Now, knowing my past history with guys, you will not be surprised to hear that I am awful at interpreting what guys say and do. Perhaps I'm just far too hopeful, but I think it's more that I've just never had practice. That being said, it was a rollercoaster ride of a first year of college. Does he like me? I think he might...orrrr not. What an asshole. That was my year. All. Year. So we come to this year. Gwen and I are absolutely decided on doing the Disney College Program spring semester, which Brad was considering as well. I used to pester him all the time last year about whether he had made the decision to do it for sure yet, and I always got a non committal answer. So finally, I stopped caring and told myself that if he wanted to miss out on the fun of doing the CP with friends, then fine. So Gwen and I applied (as did another one of Brad and my mutual friends Marcus), and come to find out that Brad decided to as well. This came as a bit of a shock, because I had signed him off as not doing it. We all were accepted, and we all accepted the offer as well, so now we're all going together.

Herein lies the problem. Brad is irresistibly charming, but, in short, a jerk. I just can't stop liking him, and it's ridiculous. I shouldn't like him when he treats me the way he does, and when it's painfully obvious that he sees me as ONLY a friend. On top of that, he's not even looking for a relationship. He's your typical college guy: hook ups yes, relationships no. These reasons should make it SO easy for me to not like him. But there's just something there. I don't understand it. Maybe it's because I've known him for so long now, and feel like I know him on a deeper level. Whatever it is, I know that we'll never be together, and I don't even know if I would want to be with him...I know I know I just said how I'm basically head over heels, but I also said earlier that I'm awful at interpretation of guys, but that's not all I'm bad at interpreting. I swear I don't know what I'm feeling half the time. If a therapist asked me to label my emotions, I'd probably implode. So maybe the feelings I have are the feelings brothers and sisters have...I wouldn't know, so that's a legitimate possibility.

So recently, as I have become aware of these possibilities, I've been pulling away from Brad. I used to want to do everything with him. Everything and anything. But now...well let's just say he's coming to the movies tonight with a group of us, and I kind of wish he wasn't. He doesn't know anyone else in the group very well, which means he's going to be sticking to me like glue the whole night, and I just don't feel like dealing with it. At all. Would it be mean if I kind of ignored him tonight? Or acted indifferent? I think indifference would be fine. I mean, I've gotta pay attention to the other people who are coming. And he's a big boy. He'll be fine.

Well, that's my "love" life history. It's unfortunately like regular history, long, dull, and, for the most part, unrequited.