The Dance

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared beneath the stars above.
For a moment all the world was right,
How could I have known
That you'd ever say good bye

And I, I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end
The way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could've missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance.

Holding you I held everything
For a moment, wasn't I the king
If I'd only known how the king would fall
Well who's to say
You know I might have changed it all

And I, I'm glad I didn't know

The way it all would end

The way it all would go

Our lives are better left to chance

I could've missed the pain

But I'd have had to miss the dance.

It's my life, it's better left to chance

I could've missed the pain

But I'd have had to miss

The

Dance.

I thought I'd start off with a song this time.  It sets the tone for what I want to say.  This is one of my favorite Garth Brooks songs.  You see, it tells the story of a special relationship I had with someone in high school.  We are still friends, but there was a point in time where he didn't speak to me for months.  We were never a couple, but we did share a perfect dance one night during our junior prom.  Despite all the miscommunication, confusion, fear and subsequent pain, I wouldn't have traded that dance for a happier existence.  I'm just finally happy that I can realize that it's over.  It doesn't hold fast to me like a relationship that I can't get away from.  Not from my end.  Since we began talking again, I'm afraid he's getting the wrong idea.  I'm happy to be his friend again, but I can't go back to what we almost were.  I'm done with that chapter of my life.  

The next few weeks are going to be crazy busy, so I won't have time to write.  Afterwards though, I should have a lot to say.  Until then, dear Void, all my love.

I wish I lived closer to the gym.  I get the urge to go late at night, or at random times when I don't have enough time to get all the way back to the other end of campus.  It sucks.  


I started writing today.  Not writing an essay, nope, I started writing a story. I haven't written a story in years.  But I have to tell you that watching that Oprah interview with JK Rowling really struck a chord with me, so I thought I would try.  There's no harm in that, I suppose.  


Today was pretty good.  I got some good things done, and got to go to my favorite part of the library - the 5th floor.  It's the stacks.  I love going up there to work.  It's silent.  Not quiet, silent.  And not that thin silence that could be broken at any time, the heavy silence that is created by shelves upon shelves of old books.  It's almost like the muffliato curse is put on the whole floor.  Plus it smells really good...it's because of all the old books.  I love it.  


I think I'll leave it as a short post tonight.  I'm feeling pretty relaxed, light and happy tonight.  It's strange.  I feel like time is transcending itself.  Thinking of looking at my essay one more time, then watching a movie and calling it a night.  That will allow for a good night's sleep, some time in the morning to look once more at my essay, and a great start to a great day.  Tomorrow's a bit busy, but I do have a good chunk of time between my last class and first meeting that I can start working on my other essay.  So that will be good.  


Anyways, good bye, for now.


To sail on a dream on a crystal clear ocean,
to ride on the crest of a wild raging storm
To work in the service of life and living,
in search of the answers of questions unknown
To be part of the movement and part of the growing,
part of beginning to understand,

Aye Calypso the places you've been to,
the things that you've shown us,
the stories you tell
Aye Calypso, I sing to your spirit,
the men who have served you so long and so well

Hi dee ay-ee ooo doo-dle oh
oo do do do do do doo-dle ay yee
doo-dle ay ee

Like the dolphin who guides you, you bring us beside you
To light up the darkness and show us the way
For though we are strangers in your silent world
To live on the land we must learn from the sea
To be true as the tide and free as a wind swell
Joyful and loving in letting it be

Aye Calypso the places you've been to,
the things that you've shown us,
the stories you tell
Aye Calypso, I sing to your spirit,
the men who have served you so long and so well

Hi dee ay-ee ooo doo-dle oh
oo do do do do do doo-dle ay yee
doo-dle ay ee

he dee Ay-ee
Hi dee oh ooo
hi dee ayee
hi dee oh ooo 

Dark and Twisty

So recently I've been pretty dark and twisty, as I can see from my previous posts.  Well, it's been rough.  And I made it more rough by procrastinating (never a good thing).  Good news though.  I had a meltdown Sunday night, and I feel ridiculously more in control of everything.  That being said...I will still be very, very happy when this semester is over.  Hey, only a little over a month left! Yeah...only November and about one week in December, then DISNEY and finals which do count, but don't really count.  See, what I'm struggling with right now is the schedule.  I cannot deal with this writing two papers per week thing.  It's...really bad.  Bah.  Maybe it's just because I'm behind...I guess we'll see.  Thankfully, I will never need to take two English classes at the same time again! 


Let's talk about more fun stuff, shall we? Like...LONDON.  I cannot, CANNOT wait to go.  I'm already starting to have really crazy thoughts like moving there permanently when I graduate if I like it enough.  I know, crazy right? But the thing is, no one actually thinks it's crazy...which is actually awesome.  I seriously expected everyone to be like "Whoa, whoa, whoa, Allison.  Slow it down.  Think realistically." But I guess the truth of the matter is, living in London one day is realistic.  I could do it.  I'm tired of saying "Oh that's something I'd hear about someone doing."  I want to BE the person doing it! And I WILL be.  I'm also thinking of doing some sort of volunteer work next summer...which is definitely something very new.  I know, I know, right about now you're saying to yourself "But wait, Allison loves Disney and may NOT be going back to Florida for an alumni program??" And yes, I've had some thoughts similar to that as well.  But the reality of the situation is that I need to keep some options open.  Plus, when else will you have the opportunity to go all these fantastic places other than while you're in college (and *ahem* still on your parents insurance, phone plan, etc, etc).  Right now I'm looking into Africa (Cape Town).  Don't misconstrue the reason why I want to volunteer.  I'm not sure where all of these feelings of compassion and sympathy are coming from, but I hear about all the terrible natural disasters, or impoverished countries and I feel so sad, and feel like I could make a difference.  Hopefully I will get the opportunity to.  


Going back to London...I've heard from several different, non connected sources that celebrity sightings are quite common, as the BU dorms are situated in a very nice neck of the woods.  Since then, I've been going a bit batty over possibly meeting or even seeing Colin Firth or Hugh Grant on the street.  I absolutely love, love, love them!  And don't even get me started if I see JK Rowling...oh man.  I may actually faint.  Okay, maybe that's a lil dramatic.  Sometimes I labor under the delusion that I meet her randomly in the street and she is so charmed by my silly Americanness and witty intelligence that she invites me to have a cup of tea with her.  But then again, it is a delusion.  I try to think of what I would even say.  I think it's definitely imperative to thank her emphatically, from the bottom of my heart, for the creation of Harry Potter.  I honestly don't know who I would be today if it wasn't for the Boy Who Lived.  The books brought my friends from high school and I together, and helped keep us together through many troubling times.  Even now, I've shared so many amazing experiences with people who are now some of my best friends because of Harry Potter.  So thanking is definitely a must.  I should probably have some answers to common questions she may ask prepared as well...favorite character? Hmmm now that one's varied over time.  I still think Hermione is mine though, closely followed by Sirius and Dumbledore.  (On a quick aside - my computer's spell check did not try to tell me that Sirius OR Dumbledore was spelled wrong.  Win.)  Favorite book? Definitely Prisoner of Azkaban.  I was so unhappy with the interpretation Alfonso Curan took with the movie that it almost ruined it for me, though.  Actually, I like Prisoner of Azkaban, Goblet of Fire, and Order of the Phoenix.  Maybe it's because those were the key three that I had the chance to read while my best friends and I were becoming close (we went to the release party for 5, and I think 6).  I don't know though.  I just took a momentary break to watch JK's interview with Oprah and learned a few key things.  1) She lives in Edinburgh, Scotland with her family.  2) She is an incredibly thoughtful and down to earth person. 3) She loves the readers of the Harry Potter books more than anything else from the phenomenon.  I do hope to one day meet her, and I hope at that time I will be blessed with the good gift of blasphemy so as to explain to her just what an effect her imagination has had on my life.  


Seeing as it is now 12:40am and I did absolutely no homework tonight, I am going to sleep in the hopes of waking early enough to be diligently engaged with it in the morning.  


I'll end tonight with two quotes for you to consider, dear Void, instead of a song:


"It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities." 


"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live."


- Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore


Good night.

Torn

I'm torn between feeling beautiful...feeling that I am beautiful...and the person I see in photos or in the mirror.  I don't feel like that person sometimes.  I feel like so much more than that.  I wish the world could see me the way I see me.

I don't expect, or even hope, to find anyone who appreciates me.  I know people say you find what you look for, but honestly, I've been looking for years, and everyone who does appreciate me is not eligible.  What else can I do? I've stopped caring what others think, but that doesn't stop me from wanting something more.  It is possible to want without hope...I feel like such a pessimist.  And the worst part is that all I'm thinking about is what anyone who read this would think.  How awful is that? I hate it.  I don't understand where these bad places I get into come from.  It's so sudden too.  I don't understand.

Going to a party at Josh's tonight. Not planning on drinking.  Hopefully it'll make me feel better.

Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
When your heart's heavy
I, I will lift it for you.

What does it mean when someone is copying your life?

I truthfully never imagined this.  


Do you remember way back when I told you about my hopeless situation as the best friend wanting to be something more?  Don't get all excited...nothing happened to further advance that ridiculousness, but I have to tell you that this particular individual and I have definitely gotten much closer than anticipated.  And yes, the title says it all.  He is copying my life.  I know it's not intentional, but it's happening all the same.  It started with Disney, and having the ambition to work there at the end of our college careers, but I suppose that's not really copying.  Well, alright, maybe none of it is copying per say, but that's what it feels like.  Then all of a sudden we were applying for the College Program and going the same semester, him for just the spring, me for the spring and summer.  He eventually extended his program into the summer as well.  Now we're back at school and I applied and was accepted to London for next semester.  But wait, what does he tell me two days before the deadline to apply? He's keeping his options open and is applying to go to London next semester.  BUT WAIT. Now today he started...wait for it...his own blog.  Not even a blog for stupid silly stuff either, a legitimate blog, just like mine. It is IMPOSSIBLE that he reads mine or even knows about it...and besides it's on a different website.


But still.  It's starting to be uncanny how many aspects of our life overlap, and it really doesn't make sense to me.  Then again, our relationship never has to me.  It can't be explained by definitive answers, formulas or equations, and that is what I hate about it.  I can't put a label on it, and that's what makes it scary to me.  


Okay, granted, it would be fun (and reassuring) to know someone abroad, because right now, there's no one I really know.  I just wish my feelings for him weren't so complicated, because I'm always afraid they'll return in full force which causes me to be guarded nearly all the time, and it's exhausting.  


It's time to sleep.  I'll think about this more tomorrow. For now...

Rushing and racing
and running in circles
Moving so fast, I'm forgetting my purpose
Blur of the traffic is sending me spinning
Getting nowhere

My head and my heart are colliding, chaotic
Pace of the world
I just wish I could stop it
Try to appear like I've got it together
I'm falling apart

Save me
Somebody take my hand, and lead me
Slow me down
Don't let love pass me by
Just show me how
'Cause I'm ready to fall
Slow me down
Don't let me live a lie
Before my life flys by
I need you to slow me down

Sometimes I fear that I might dissapear
In the blur of fast forward I faulter again
Forgetting to breathe, I need to sleep
I'm getting nowhere

All that I've missed I see in the reflection
Passed me while I wasn't paying attention
Tired of rushing, racing and running
I'm falling apart

Tell me
Oh won't you take my hand and lead me
Slow me down
Don't let love pass me by
Just show me how
'Cause I'm ready to fall
Slow me down
Don't let me live a lie
Before my life flys by
I need you to slow me down

Just show me
I need you to slow me down

The noise of the world is getting me caught up
Chasing the clock and I wish I could stop it
Just need to breathe, somebody please
Slow me down

Thrills and Chills

I just gave myself a bit of a thrill...I cut my hair for the first time.  And not just a little snip.  I cut bangs in.  It was a good few inches.  It was so liberating to see all the dark hair just drop right into the trash can...I'm beginning to sound like Summer from (500) Days of Summer.

It's getting closer and closer to Halloween.  I love this time of year, and all the sights and smells associated with it.  I just wish I didn't have to do work during it.  I just hate homework.  Right now I'm working on overhauling an Othello essay.  It's going well...I think.  I hope.  It definitely has a lot more focus now...I just don't know though.  And I waited too long to begin revising it...but at the same time I started it much earlier than I would have in the past, so I guess that's a small sort of accomplishment.  I just would like to be done with it.

I haven't left my room all day.  Took a "mental health day/catch up day".  I'm trying to stay focused on that...but at the same time it's really hard when you've got so many projects to work on.  At least the only really big one is to finish revising this paper.  Other than that I have to finish reading Heart of Darkness and Great Expectations by Thursday, and study for a finance quiz tomorrow, but I think I'll do that tomorrow morning.  So for today, I think I'm going to try to finish overhauling the paper...then I can look at it again tomorrow to make sure it's what I want.  I'll also do some reading (Heart of Darkness first because I have a quiz on it on Thursday) and look at the London Programme website...oh yeah! I was officially accepted into the London Internship Programme for next semester!!

LONDON! I am so excited! I spent some time today looking through my friend's pictures from when she went to London this past summer and it looks like she had an amazing time! I can't wait to do that.  I CAN'T WAIT. I'm already sick of BU...is that sad? :/  London seems so much more interesting! I really can't wait to go.  I'm hoping to get a couple more dresses before I do...I love wearing dresses, and it seems like London is the place to reinvent yourself.  At least I feel like I'll be able to. Who knows.  I guess I'll find out.

Alright, back to the grind! I just have to think about the fact that this paper is on Othello, which was written by Shakespeare, who's from England...yeah...that's it.

A foggy day
In London town
Had me low
Had me down
I viewed the morning
With such alarm
British museum
Had lost its charm

How long I wonder
Could this thing last
But the age of miracles
Hadn't past
For suddenly
I saw you there
And through a foggy London town
The sun was shining
Everywhere!

Reminiscing

Feeling very nostalgic today.  Currently listening to the You're A Good Man Charlie Brown soundtrack and remembering the amazing time I had portraying Sally Brown.  Sometimes I miss high school more than I thought I would.  I remember feeling absolutely and completely comfortable in the chorus room, and in the auditorium.  It was crazy...I had so, so, so many good times in that auditorium.  The Secret Garden, Anything Goes, Grease, 42nd Street, You're A Good Man Charlie Brown, Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat, and The Case of the Smuggling Ship.  Seven amazing shows, and four amazing leading roles.  I was so fortunate.  Currently I remember having an amazing time being about 4 years old and pretending I knew everything about philosophies.  

In high school I felt on top of the world.  I was smart, teachers loved me, I had amazing friends and an amazing voice.  The music department was my life.  I loved every minute of it, even those minutes that weren't great.  Sometimes I wish I could go back and relive a day, or a week even.  Sometimes I wish I had appreciated it more while I was at that place in my life.  

Well, that's all for now.

In my eyes are Valentines

And Easter eggs

And New Years wine,

But when my heart finds Christmas,

My eyes will shine like new.

All the days are kind to me,

And fall too far behind to see,

And when my heart finds Christmas,

I hope it finds you too.