Torn

I'm torn between feeling beautiful...feeling that I am beautiful...and the person I see in photos or in the mirror.  I don't feel like that person sometimes.  I feel like so much more than that.  I wish the world could see me the way I see me.

I don't expect, or even hope, to find anyone who appreciates me.  I know people say you find what you look for, but honestly, I've been looking for years, and everyone who does appreciate me is not eligible.  What else can I do? I've stopped caring what others think, but that doesn't stop me from wanting something more.  It is possible to want without hope...I feel like such a pessimist.  And the worst part is that all I'm thinking about is what anyone who read this would think.  How awful is that? I hate it.  I don't understand where these bad places I get into come from.  It's so sudden too.  I don't understand.

Going to a party at Josh's tonight. Not planning on drinking.  Hopefully it'll make me feel better.

Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
When your heart's heavy
I, I will lift it for you.