I always get ahead of myself. I don't think it's a bad thing...I think I just want it so much that I can't help myself. I thought I was doing so well...
So you're probably wondering what I'm talking about. Well, three guesses, it's part of the three rules stated previously about myself. No, not about Disney. Nope, not college either (but I suppose that is a factor just because, well, it's hard to separate college from anything while you're in it). Yes, you guessed it (finally, good job.): love.
I've been talking to a guy on facebook (juvenile, I know). We met once, and I decided after that meeting that he was definitely a good, fun loving, attractive guy that I would like to get to know. However, I fell subject to the patterns of immature female and made some bad choices. I thought, though, that I had salvaged what I had sabotaged so far, but alas, I think not. The biggest mistake was made exactly one week ago. I went out with a few girlfriends to an a cappella party, which ended up being pretty fun until it was busted up by the cops, but not before all of them had quite a lot to drink. It also happened to be one of their birthday's, so needless to say there was a lot of alcohol. I didn't drink a lot at all. I was not drunk, not even buzzed. After the party was busted up, we decided to go to a pizzeria which was open until 2am just to hang out for a while. I'd actually never been to this pizzeria, but it's quite nice because it was just renovated. Anyways, that's beside the point. We walk in, there's not a lot of people there at all (well it was about 1 in the morning), so we select a booth and are being quite loud and frankly annoying. I won't deny that I was enjoying myself. It was fun to just hang out, even if I wasn't drunk. A couple of the girls went to get pizza or to use the restroom, leaving just me and my roommate there for a minute. I gazed out over the rest of the restaurant just on a whim and there he was sitting across the room, drinking some coffee and reading. It was the guy. Well, I wigged out. I turned to my roommate (who had also met him under the same circumstance and at the same time I had) and she read my mind, and began wigging out too. Immediately, I wanted to go over and say hello, but she protested adamantly, claiming she was too drunk and it would make her look bad. At this point, I should have not given a flying fuck what impression she would give, because ultimately, only one of us would "get him" in the end, and after all, you've always got to be on your game. Plus, what we did next was just awful, and really, really creepy. We didn't go over, or I should say, I didn't go over and say anything to him. We just giggled and watched him all night. The worst part was, he was watching us too. And it didn't help that at about quarter to two the owners of the pizzeria brought over a HUGE slice of cheesecake for the birthday girl and we made a HUGE scene. What are we, in high school? I feel like such an ass. And I can't even do anything about it. There's absolutely nothing I can do to change that night, and I hate it. I regret it. And I don't regret a lot.
So fast forward to Thursday. I finally pluck up the courage to friend him on facebook, with a disclaimer message attached. This is where I start becoming, apparently, delusional. He accepted my friend request, and immediately wrote on my wall. He had thought that he saw me and my friend at the pizzeria last Saturday night and wondered if he was right. I feel awful...AWFUL...about what ensues next. I consult many different sources to determine what to say in response. I wanted to tell him the truth...isn't that always the recommended course of action?...but ended up telling a downright lie. I felt a bit better as we began talking a little, but then the responses became less insightful to the point where it's been almost a day and he hasn't responded, and he's been on facebook.
So, once again, I screwed up, probably beyond repair. I don't even know what I would do to fix this stupid, ridiculous, rude and downright immature situation. I feel so horrible. I don't know if I feel more horrible about the way I acted or about the fact that I probably screwed something up that could have actually been something real, instead of stupid catty relationships. Okay, alright, so the relationships with my girlfriends aren't catty, we're pretty close, but they have a lot of growing up to do still, and I'm still vulnerable to peer pressure...I'm better at representing my own ideas, but not as strong as I want to be.
So, dear Void, what should I do? Should I let this situation just pass, thinking of it bittersweetly as a possibility that could have been something? Should I tell him what an ass I've been? If I do tell him, will it scare him off? I can see that happening...I've done similar things in the past and had bad results, but I hate lying. I just hate it. I feel...dirty. Or something. Lying is more detrimental to the liar than to the person being lied to, especially in circumstances such as this.
For now, I suppose, I'll just have to hope. I don't know what I wait for...I should just make a decision...or maybe this is my decision...taking the first option and smiling when the bitter taste hits my taste buds.
Where has that old friend gone
Lost in a February song
Tell him it won't be long
Till he opens his eyes, opens his eyes
Where is that simple day
Before colors broke into shades
And how did I ever fade
Into this life, into this life
And I never want to let you down
Forgive me if I slip away
When all that I've known is lost and found
I promise you I, I'll come back to you one day....
Morning is waking up
And sometimes it's more than just enough
When all that you need to love
Is in front of your eyes,
It's in front of your eyes.
And I never want to let you down
Forgive me if I slip away
Sometimes it's hard to find my ground
Cause I keep on falling , as I try to get away
from this crazy world.
And I never want to let you down
Forgive me if I slip away
When all that I've known is lost and found
I promise you I, I'll come back to you one day
Where has that old friend gone
Lost in a February song
Tell him it won't be long
Till he opens his eyes, opens his eyes.
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