My, my how time flies.

Almost a year has passed since my last post.  The time really does fly when I think about the past year.  I remember sitting in my room typing my last post.  I remember feeling so confused.  Even as I read back through the 5 posts before this, I feel what I had been feeling while writing them.  It's hard.  It's like reading an old diary.  It is reading an old diary.  No matter, though.  Keep moving forward.


I am successfully a junior this year.  Where has the time gone? I don't understand it.  In the past year I spent seven months in Central Florida working for the Happiest Place on Earth.  It was the best experience of my life.  I am still employed with the company, but remotely.  I miss it.  I miss the warmth, the happy feeling, the joyful music, and the wonderful friends.  I know I'll return to it one day.  One day, I will.  


I love the new background to this online thought-keeper.  It reminds me of some old fashioned country home in the English countryside...but that could be because I spent the majority of today paging through B&B's in England.  I plan to study abroad in London next semester.  I'm guessing if this thought-keeper doesn't become a ritual this semester that it definitely will in the next.  


London will be "so diverting" to quote one of my favorite films.  This semester is crippled by an overloaded class schedule and many extra curricular activities, whereas the semester in London will comprise of only two classes at a time.  I can't wait to get there.  I can't wait to explore and travel.  I want adventure in the great wide somewhere.  I want it more than I can tell.  I'm scared, or apprehensive, but ready to face those fears.  The culture is so much different in Europe.  I feel like it may be more to my liking than here.  For once, I hope, I won't be dependent on the latest technology.  


I have two major goals for my study abroad experience.  I want to travel as far and wide as I possibly can, and I want to learn how to take incredible photographs of all of the amazing places I visit.  Not pictures, photographs.  A picture is snapped to remember the scene, a photograph is the result of thought and planning, taken to remember more than a landscape, but a feeling.


Before I run away with my hopes and dreams, I need to finish this semester.  So, for now, I leave with a smile on my face and a song in my heart...a song I will share with you, dear Void.  




Lost and alone on some forgotten highway
Traveled by many, remembered by few
Lookin’ for something that I can believe in
Lookin’ for something that I’d like to do with my life

There’s nothin’ behind me and nothin’ that ties me
To somethin’ that might have been true yesterday
Tomorrow is open; right now it seems to be more
Than enough to just be here today

And I don’t know what the future is holdin’ in store
I don’t know where I’m goin’, I’m not sure where I’ve been
There’s a spirit that guides me, a light that shines for me
My life is worth the livin’, I don’t need to see the end

Sweet, sweet surrender
Live, live without care
Like a fish in the water
Like a bird in the air

Sweet, sweet surrender
Live, live without care
Like a fish in the water
Like a bird in the air

Notes on Love

So, it's been a while.  Sorry.  I had midterms and papers...come to think of it, I still have a paper to write that's due tomorrow night at midnight. Oops.  I know it will get done though.  So I'm not worried.  I'm very rarely worried about getting things done on time.  I've never really had a problem with it.  But, at the same time, that's a weakness as much as it is a strength.  Overconfidence can be misleading.

So here's my secret for the moment.  All I want to do, all I can think about recently, is how much I want to go on a date.  It's been so long...what if I've forgotten how?  Why am I apparently inept at attracting the opposite sex? Am I that repulsive?  I don't understand.  Just one date. One to reaffirm my belief that I will not grow up to be an old maid.  Please.

Is it possible to love too easily?  Should love have to be earned?  It's a tough question.  I know there are many topics in pop culture that address the issue, but nothing actually solves it.  Perhaps it's a personal decision.  My whole life I've loved without explanation, without reservation, almost everyone I've been acquainted with.  It's a startling fact to realize.  How could I hold so much love in my heart to give to everyone?  Is this the reason why I can't seem to find the one person I should give my whole heart to?  Because I've already given it away to everyone else?  If that is the case, is it considered selfish to want my heart back?  Or is it possible to somehow love all, and still give my heart to the One?  I hope that's the case, because the existence of one without the other would break my heart...and then no one is loved.

She's in Love with the Boy

The other day I downloaded a bunch of 90's country music, the music I grew up with. It's incredible how many songs I knew all the words to as I was previewing them on iTunes before buying them. Just from listening to the radio all the time when I was a kid...and the funny part is, I wouldn't know the name of the song or who wrote it (and sometimes I wouldn't even know the correct lyrics). I'm listening to the playlist right now, and I have to say, it's making me very happy and nostalgic. At the same time, I feel like I know these songs on a deeper level than songs of today's generation. They strike a cord in me; a chordal connection. Unfortunately, they remind me of my present unlucky-love situation.

So, of course, there's a guy. There's always a guy. This is the guy that makes your life awesome and hell at the same time. This is the guy that is cute, funny, flirtatious and your best friend. (Side note - I really don't want to write this. I'm making myself do it to try and convince myself that...well, you'll see.) Unfortunately, you're also his best friend. That's it.

Okay wait. A little background history of my "love" life. I grew up an only child, and without many cousins my age, so at a very early age I learned to communicate comfortably with adults. I went through that phase when boys had cooties, but after the cooties phase, I found it difficult to actually be friends with these cretins that I had once despised for their loud, raucous, and rude behavior. I got along much better with girls, and when I moved from elementary school to middle school, it was like I gravitated toward girls who were exactly like myself. It was a group of 4 of us who became extremely close through middle and high school. We did everything together. In middle school, I'm pretty sure our lunch table was nicknamed the "Lesbian Table". It was hurtful, but instead of branching out and making good friend with other people outside of the 4 of us, we became more introverted. Each of us inhibited the others from breaking out of the circle, and, I believe, made it uncomfortable to even think about having a boyfriend. There was so much judgment to pass, and none of us was prepared to brave it, so we didn't.

Now, don't get me wrong, we did develop some friendships with guys as we progressed through high school, but to give you a sense, I never had one of my guy friends over to hang out at my house, and neither did they. I hated it, but I didn't know how to get out of it. I felt like I was trapped in a loop. Of course, I did try to break out; I went on a few dates with random guys, but I never liked them, and it always ended up more awkward than anything else. I even consented to a "relationship" for a week and a half. But during that week and a half, we avoided each other and didn't talk. It was awful. I dreaded seeing him in the hall, in class, anywhere. I dreaded what people were thinking, saying, and laughing about. I was embarrassed! How bad is that? It should never be like that when you like someone. Ever.

So, coming to college, I was so relieved that I didn't have to be near my "group" of friends anymore. I went head first into new friendships and new crushes. Enter: the Guy. I first met Brad on my first day of class in my school within the university, so right off the bat I was really excited for the class because it directly pertains to my major. In walks Brad, one of his friends Jesse, and his other friend Katie. Almost immediately I wanted to be friends with all three of them. They were happy, outgoing, and commanded the attention of the whole room just by walking in. My interest piqued when Brad introduced himself to the class during introductions and said that he loved Disney. I thought it couldn't be real. But, it was, and is. Through the year I became friends with all three of them, but closer friends with Brad and Jesse than with Katie. By the end of the first semester, they were my closest guy friends, and I had a huge, festering, and frankly quite embarrassingly large crush on Brad. Now, knowing my past history with guys, you will not be surprised to hear that I am awful at interpreting what guys say and do. Perhaps I'm just far too hopeful, but I think it's more that I've just never had practice. That being said, it was a rollercoaster ride of a first year of college. Does he like me? I think he might...orrrr not. What an asshole. That was my year. All. Year. So we come to this year. Gwen and I are absolutely decided on doing the Disney College Program spring semester, which Brad was considering as well. I used to pester him all the time last year about whether he had made the decision to do it for sure yet, and I always got a non committal answer. So finally, I stopped caring and told myself that if he wanted to miss out on the fun of doing the CP with friends, then fine. So Gwen and I applied (as did another one of Brad and my mutual friends Marcus), and come to find out that Brad decided to as well. This came as a bit of a shock, because I had signed him off as not doing it. We all were accepted, and we all accepted the offer as well, so now we're all going together.

Herein lies the problem. Brad is irresistibly charming, but, in short, a jerk. I just can't stop liking him, and it's ridiculous. I shouldn't like him when he treats me the way he does, and when it's painfully obvious that he sees me as ONLY a friend. On top of that, he's not even looking for a relationship. He's your typical college guy: hook ups yes, relationships no. These reasons should make it SO easy for me to not like him. But there's just something there. I don't understand it. Maybe it's because I've known him for so long now, and feel like I know him on a deeper level. Whatever it is, I know that we'll never be together, and I don't even know if I would want to be with him...I know I know I just said how I'm basically head over heels, but I also said earlier that I'm awful at interpretation of guys, but that's not all I'm bad at interpreting. I swear I don't know what I'm feeling half the time. If a therapist asked me to label my emotions, I'd probably implode. So maybe the feelings I have are the feelings brothers and sisters have...I wouldn't know, so that's a legitimate possibility.

So recently, as I have become aware of these possibilities, I've been pulling away from Brad. I used to want to do everything with him. Everything and anything. But now...well let's just say he's coming to the movies tonight with a group of us, and I kind of wish he wasn't. He doesn't know anyone else in the group very well, which means he's going to be sticking to me like glue the whole night, and I just don't feel like dealing with it. At all. Would it be mean if I kind of ignored him tonight? Or acted indifferent? I think indifference would be fine. I mean, I've gotta pay attention to the other people who are coming. And he's a big boy. He'll be fine.

Well, that's my "love" life history. It's unfortunately like regular history, long, dull, and, for the most part, unrequited.

A Slow Incline of Mood

Well, it's Wednesday! Boy, half way through the week already...I just can't believe it. The time is absolutely flying by. It's flying by, but I remember it, which is the more preferable option, as opposed to the time flying by and then looking back and saying "What exactly did I do with my college years?". Nope, not me. I remember what I've been doing, experiencing, liking, loving, hating, and et cetera.

Take today, for instance. Today I did something new! I went to our college book store and browsed. I never browse there; it's simply a place to go for something I need. Today, I decided to change that stigma. So, I went to simply browse the books. And what did I stumble upon? A literary classic that I began to read, and didn't want to stop. Now, I'm the proud owner of my very own (frankly very creepy looking) Dracula, which I figured was appropriate considering the time of year (Fall) and the world's recent obsession with vampires in general (myself included). After purchasing said copy about the King of Vampires, I moseyed down to the coffee shop attached to the bookstore, and read for a while. It was so relaxing, and so invigorating at the same time.

The rest of this Wednesday has been good, nothing particularly out of the ordinary. As the week has been progressing, I have noticed that my mood seems to be on a slow incline upwards. I feel like I'm building up to something, and the most exciting and intriguing part about it is that I have no idea what that something is. I wouldn't change that though. Being surprised is half the fun!

I will keep you updated, dear Void, on whatever that something turns out to be. It's sure to be a thrilling tale.

Day Two: Gwen

You know what's hard? Finding out your best friend is having a really bad day when you're having a great day. It makes me feel guilty...but I'm still having a great day. Here I sit on my comfortable bed, watching the Food Network and writing this, while she sits in her room, trying to not be distracted by the various Disney stimuli while attempting to write two large papers due tomorrow. I feel bad...but then again, I don't. I would have planned my time differently, or so I think, but to be fair, I wasn't actually in the circumstance. However, I do know when I need to buckle down and get work done, and I know how to make my environment conducive to that situation. Unfortunately, she has not mastered that skill yet.

This is my best friend: Gwendolyn, commonly referred to as Gwen, Gwenny, and/or Gwendolina (but only on very special occasions). We first met approximately one year ago. Since that time, we have, believe it or not, become extraordinarily close. We have just enough in common that we don't drive each other crazy, and still have maintained circles of friends outside of just us. It is virtually the perfect situation.

However, as I eluded to briefly, there are some things which we both have not mastered in our lives. This has begun to pose a problem. When you get to know someone on such a deep level, you begin to see the finer points of their personality. I think the thing that bothers me most is that I believed that we would never find things in each other that would bother each other. And what's worse is that you can't just come out to the person and say "That bothers me. Can you not do that?" because a lot of times it's not a bad or disruptive behavior, it's just something that's ridiculously annoying.

Maybe it's a ridiculous notion. Maybe it's completely selfish or judgmental of me to say things like that. What is the right answer?

So this is my blog. Blogs are intended to be a place where candid and completely truthful thoughts are allowed to flow freely, uninterrupted. This is a completely ridiculous notion. Hence the subject of this blog which is, ironically, "Dancing Around the Subject." There always is a subject, but the truth of the matter is people rarely talk about it. I'll admit that I am just as guilty as the next person. My problem, 99% of the time, is that I'm still working out what the problem actually is when I start talking about it. So, there's, for lack of a better word, a lot of dancing.

Well, enough of what this blog is about. Let's just start talking. Let me clear up a few things about myself. I guarantee that all of my upcoming blogings will concern at least one, if not two, or maybe all of the following topics: 1) I'm a college student. 2) I love Disney and making people happy. 3) I am absolutely, irrevocably, and impossibly unlucky in love. That's it. That's all you need to know. Heck, this first blog is really the only one you need to read to know me...essentially.

That's it for tonight, I suppose. In the words of a great modern day heroine,

Goodnight, dear Void.